Alone
by LiveEatBreatheRepeat
Summary: It's been a while since then. Since 'we' became just 'me'. Me doing everything alone. Me realizing that no matter how many times I cry out 'I'm home' when I get back from work and open the front door, no one will answer me.
1. Chapter 1

A Spamano fanfic based on a RP from Tumblr.

I don't own anything, all rights reserved. HEAR THAT, SOPA? I OWN NOTHING! FUCK OFF AND LET US ENJOY THE INTERNET!

...Ahem. Sorry about that.

My rage is showing. Let me just kick that aside for now. This fanfic is rated T for naughty words, alcohol references, and a bit of angst. Just a bit though.

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><p>I am awaken by the sound of thunder outside my window. Rain pelts down in sheets with such an intensity that I fear that the window will collapse under the pressure. It's rare that it storms this early in the morning, though I suppose it's just the weather mocking me. It's been doing that a lot as of lately, this being the fifth storm I've woken up to this week.<p>

Speaking of weeks, how many weeks have passed so far? Five? Maybe six? I can say that it's been a little over a month at least, since the milk in the fridge has already gone bad. I checked it yesterday morning when I went to go make myself breakfast and I had to scoop it out with a spoon. Which was one of the grossest things I think I've ever done in my life. I swear I'm never using that spoon ever again.

So yeah, it's been a while since then. Since 'we' became just 'me'. Me doing everything alone. Me cooking alone. Me washing clothes alone. Me learning how to deal with sleeping by myself again. Me realizing that no matter how many times I cry out 'I'm home!' when I get back from work and open the front door, no one will answer me.

And all of this, this loneliness, this constant empty feeling, this void that's filled my chest and resides where my heart used to lie, beating with life that's now gone, all of this is completely and totally my fault. Why had I been so stupid? Why had _I _been the one to say those things? Why hadn't anyone stopped me? I let out an angry sigh, knowning that no matter how many 'why's', I ask the world, I'll never been given any form of answer. I guess the thunder counts, but it's not really the answer I'm looking for.

_'There's no use in dwelling of this'_, I think to myself as I rise lazily from my bed, heading towards the kitchen to continue with the same schedule I've kept up with for however long it had been. First, I would grab a bottle of tequila and drink for a good ten minutes. After that, if I was still somewhat concious of everything around me, I would hop in the shower and freshen up a bit. A quick shave and new clothes would make me feel that less drunk. Around this time, I would start feeling the crushing depression of everything and cry for another ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Finally, I would switch my TV onto a Spanish drama (they're always on no matter what time of day it is) and watches soap operas until I pass out from exhaustion on the couch.

As my feet shuffle lazily across the rug floor, my foot scrapes against something and I wince in pain. I didn't really need to look down to know that I'd need a Band-Aid but I was curious as to what I just scratched anyways. My eyes travel to the floor, my hypothesis proven correct by the small cut along the side of my foot just below my left big toe. A bright red drop of blood runs down the side and onto the carpet, starting to stain it.

I snap out of my daze and quickly head over towards the bathroom. Opening the mediciene compartment over the sink, I locate the box of Band-Aids and get out the small strip off beige. I pull away thhat white annoying paper, throwing it away in the trash can by my other foot. I reach down to my foot and place the Band-Aid over the cut, applying a tiny bit of pressure. After I was sure it was on, I stood back up, heading back into my room to figure out just what the hell I just scraped my foot on.

My eyes become glued to the floor the moment I enter my room again, searching for the item. There were a few magazines, some crumbs of food, even a TV remote (huh, so that's where it's been). But finally, I find it: a piece of glass, the side of it stained red from cutting me. A few smaller pieces of glass were around it and they all seemed to be from the same main piece...

Then it hit me. I look up and sure enough the picture frame on my bedside table had fallen onto the ground. The picture itself was now crumbled up on the floor, a few creases and wrinkles making it look that much more crumbled up. I shiver slightly from the memories that picture brought. Slowly, I reach down and pick up the picture, unfolding it as if it would shatter if I applied to much pressure to it.

When it was finally unfolded, I felt the void drop into the deepest depths of my stomach. It was the first picture I had ever taken of us, the two of us just standing in front of a beautiful fountain in the park near my house. This was the place I first met him, the place I later first said 'I love you' to him and he understood what I meant. I remember that day, that one glorious day that we met, as if it were yesterday.

**_-Flashback-_**

_The air was crisp and clean, the afternoon sun shining brightly over head. The whole park was alive with a special kind of energy that just makes you want to smile your happiest smile all the time. A slight breeze rolled along lazily, as did the clouds above. The puffy white masses in the sky were playing hide and seek with the sun, the sun responding back by giving it's own smile, or so it seemed to me._

_With the sun and sky looking down at me, as well as a small crowd forming around the fountain I had been playing at for the past hour or so, I started to strum the guitar in my lap, glancing up occasionally at everyone. They all had looks of pure happiness on their faces and they clearly wer enjoying the music I was playing. I always had felt good whenever I made others happy, so now that I had made a small crowd smile, my head and heart were dancing in joy. _

_As my fingers switfly and nimbly moved across the strings of the guitar, a melody was born and began tottering on it's newborn notes. A harmony soon followed with the lower strings, helping the melody gain more power. They started meshing together and began their own dance, much like the one going on inside me now. The steady clapping coming from the audience helped me keep a steady rhythm in the song. _

_Just as I got to a long guitar rift in the song I was playing, I looked up once more as I played, something I had done for the past three minutes. I saw everyone's faces smiling, but for some reason, my eyes narrowed in on a single person: a man towards the very back of the crowd that had formed. He was the only one that wasn't smiling. __I don't know why, but I found myself glancing back up at him throughout the rest of the song and to my displeasure, he still wasn't smiling. This made my heart and head stop dancing and I could've sworn that my smile wavered for just a moment._

_Eventually, I came to the end of the song and a round of applause sounded through the air. The crowd began to disperse, which made me hurry up in putting away my instrument. I was determined to find out why that man hadn't smiled and was going to get the answer out of him whether he wanted to give me a reason or not. __I looked around until they finally spot the man, who was walking up the trail towards the south exit of the park, hands in his pocket. __With my guitar strapped to my back, I rushed after him. When I had gotten close enough, I called out to him._

_"__Señor! __Wait up! Please!" _

_"What do you want?" _

_He turned around to face me, and right about then is when my heart stopped for just a second. The man was absolutely goregous for a lack of better words. I had been wrong to call him a 'man' since he looked just a few years younger than I was. Early twenties was my guess at this point. He had dark hair, a sort of mix between auburn and chocolate brown. A strange curl wisped away from him to the right of his head, making me inwardly squeal with cuteness. I think I was most intrigued by his eyes, however. They were an odd shade of darkish gold, a colour most people would say was happy colour. But, this man's eyes seemed sad, upset, angry even. __His eyes were what made me decide that I wanted to make this man smile no matter what._

_"I-I um...I'm Antonio! It's nice to meet you!"_

_The man gave me a look that seemed to say, 'the hell do you want?'.__"Uh...okay? Do you want a fucking medal or something?" His voice carried a rather thick Italian accent, adding a bit of depth. "If you haven't anything important to say, then I'll be leaving now."_

_As he turned to leave, I grabbed his wrist, holding him in place."I noticed you while I was playing my guitar back there. You weren't smiling like everyone else!" I blurted out. "I wanna see you smile now!"_

_"W-what? Che palle, you're really getting on my nerves! Fuck off! Let me go!"_

_I cringed at his harsh words, but I refused let go. "Nope! Not until I make you smile!"_

_"I'm not smiling for some creepy random guy like you!"_

_"Please? What if I played your favorite song? Would you smile then?"_

_"Damn, you're persistant! I'm leaving!"_

_"W-wait! Before you leave..." I relaxed my grip on his wrist. He turned around to face me again and I could tell he was still angry, though his eyes seemed to soften up a bit. "Can...can I get your name?"_

_"What?" He asked quizically._

_I couldn't help but smile at him. He was truly was adorable. "Your name. What is it? I want to be able to say 'hello' to you properly the next time I see you here!"_

_He scoffed and looked away, a small dust of blust appearing on his cheeks. "What the hell makes you think I'm gonna come back here? This could be the last time I see you for all you know, bastard." Once again, I had to force down a squeal of cuteness. Is it even legal for one person to be this cute?_

_"Si, I know." I said with a smile shrug. "But that's all the more reason to get your name. You never know who's going to end up meaning something to you."_

_We stood there for a while, me staring at him with pleading eyes, him saying nothing, but clearly thinking something. The blush from before had grown quite a bit, which made me keep the smile on my face. He looked a lot like a tomato then, making my stomach rumble with the thought of food._

_"...-no..."_

_He said it so softly, it came across as a whisper on the wind. "Huh? What'd you say?"_

_"Lovino! My name is Lovino, okay? Now leave me alone!" And with that, he ripped his wrist from my hand and ran off, leaving me staring at him as he left. __I never knew it back then, but that day completely changed my life, as well as the life of the man known as Lovino._

**_-End Flashback-_**

Lovino. He claimed that he might not come back, and yet, everyday after we met, I saw him in the crowd of people as I played my guitar. He stood in the same place every single time, just underneath a large tree. Over some time, he and I became rather close. I grew to love him so much over such a short period of time. It was there, right in front of that exact fountain at which we met, that I confessed how I felt about him. I was surprised when I learned he felt the same way about me, but the surprise didn't stop me from taking him in my arms and kissing him right then and there. Our first real kiss.

All that seemed like a far off memory now. So far off, I could barely see it anymore. It was almost like when you release a balloon and just stare as it rises further and further up into the sky, soon disappering from view completely.

"Lovino...Lovino...Lovi..." I repeat his name like a mantra over and over. My eyes were stinging with tears threatening to spill over. "L-lovino..." I sink to my knees, clutching the picture to my chest. I don't even care that the glass is scratching and slicing my legs up as I do so. The tears are blinding me so I don't even see the blood dripping onto the carpet.

All I feel is the cold, dark emptyness.

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><p>I wanted this to be a Oneshot at first, but then I realized that the plot was too hard to condense into a single chapter.<p>

Please R&R if you want to. Any type of criticism will be appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

A Spamano fanfic based on a RP from Tumblr.

Thanks again to those who reviewed and gave me some advice! I promise that everything will be cleared up in this chapter...

Well, that's my intention at least.

I own nothing, as I've said before.

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><p>"Veh...Fratello...It's morning! Rise and shine~!" A finger poking me in the cheek makes my face curl up in a scowl. It keeps poking me, the annoying, cheery voice calling to me from above allows me to identify who it is. "Fratello...fratello...fratello...brother...brother...brother...big brother...big brother...bro...bro...bro...fra...fra...fra...fra...fratello...fratello...fra-"<p>

"WHAT, GOD DAMN IT? What the fucking hell do you want?" I snap as I sit up straight in my bed, though I regret the decision immidiately when the room starts spinning. I clutch my head and take a deep breath, trying to calm my rage and my throbbing headache. "What do you want?" I ask again, slightly less angry than before..

My idiot little brother leaps up in surprise and cowers in fear, but settles down quickly. "I-I brought you some painkillers." He holds out to me two small red pills and a glass of water. I down the pills, the cool water against the back of my throat relaxing me a bit more. "I was really, really worried about you when you came home drunk last night...You don't usually go out drinking unless something's happened. If you want to talk about it, you know that I'm here for you to-"

"I don't need you to fucking worry about me." I cut him off, crawling out from underneath the covers of my bed. Feliciano hands me a pair of pants off of the ground. Reluctantly, I take the pants and slip into them. I really didn't need him to care for me like I was some toddler or anything like that. He's just being stupid again. "And nothing happened, okay? So just...go away and leave me alone, damn it."

He makes a strange whimpering noise, nods, and leaves the room, quickly mentioning that he made some biscotti and brewed some coffee for breakfast. Once the door was shut and I was alone in my room, I lean back on the bed, letting out a heavy sigh. My head was killing me enough without _mio fratellino _bugging, what from all I drank last night. I've always been a bit of a lightweight, but damn...This is by far the worst hangover I've ever had. It feels like I had five dozen bottles of wine or something.

At that time, my brother's words _'unless something's happened'_ echo through my head, pouding along the side of my head like a bongo drum. I hate the fact that I lied to my brother on such a large scale, but I didn't need him worrying anymore about me than he already was. He didn't need to know why I drank so much like I did. He didn't need to know how much pain I was in or how broken I was on the inside. It was as if I was a giant jigsaw puzzle and that one piece that would make me whole was just missing. Now the pieces that were already there were slowly falling apart, too. I'm scared that if I don't find that final piece soon, I'll just be a big heap of puzzle pieces that don't fit anywhere.

"Fuck...those painkillers are making me think weirdly..." Grabbing a plain old t-shirt from my dresser, I throw it on, along with a pair of worn jeans and start heading downstairs to the kitchen. I can smell from the coffee from the top of the stairs, it's bittersweet aroma warming me up from the inside out.

I walk into the kitchen, my brother looking up at me from the stove with a weary smile on his face. He's cooking up something it seems, a few sizzles and pops coming from the small pan. "_Ciao, __fratello! _Are you hungry this time today?"

My eyebrow raises at the weird question as I sit down at the kitchen table. This time? What was he implying when he said that? Glancing down at my clothes, I realize that the once rather tight jeans I was wearing were now very baggy. I was practically swimming in them now, but when I bought them, I remember groaning about how tight they were. "N-not especially..." I mumble, remembering his question.

He frowned and sighed. "You haven't been eating very much this past month...You barely touched the _pomodoro__ panini_ I made for you for lunch yesterday! I even made sure that it had a lot of tomatoes in them!"

"I just haven't been hungry, that's all. No big deal." It wasn't much of an answer, but it was true. I really hadn't been in an eating mood as of lately. Everything tastes bland to me, even tomatoes.

"It's a big deal to me!" Feliciano then steps away from the stove and grabs three biscotti from the tray to his right. He walks over to cabinet, grabbing a plate and places them on the plate, sliding the plate towards me with a rather angry look on his face. "You better eat up! You're going to wither away to nothing if you keep this up!"

Staring at the biscotti and at my little brother, I sigh and take a bite out of one of the crispy biscotto. "Happy now, Mother?" I say sarcastically. The biscotto's bland, like everything else I've eaten in the past month, but it makes Feliciano's frown go away.

He happily smiles and goes back to the pan on the stove. "Very much so! Now keep eating and I'll get you some hot coffee. Three sugars, no cream, right?"

I nod and take another bite of the biscotto. It wasn't as bland as when I first took a bite of it, but it was still pretty tasteless. It was like eating solid water with just a tiny hint of that flavoring stuff you add in it to make it taste better.

Feliciano shuffles around the kitchen a bit and finally comes back with my coffee. "Here you go~!" He sets down my coffee mug, white in colour with a tomato on it. I'm suddnely struck with the memory when I got the mug for my birthday two years ago. I claimed it was a stupid gift back then, but I've never used any other mug since. My heart sinks at the memory; more specifically, _who_ gave it to me in the first place.

"...Antonio..." His name dies on my lips as a low whisper, so low that I almost didn't hear myself say it. It's been a while since I've actually said his name. Well, said his name and didn't burst into tears.

"V-veh! Fratello! What's wrong?" I was about to ask what he was talking about, but then I felt it: a wet drop of something fall from my cheek. One right after the other, faster and faster. I try to wipe them away, but they just kept falling. My brother rushes to my side, worry written all over his face. "Fratello...Maybe...maybe you should just go lie down for a bit."

Stupid me. Stupid, weak, crybaby me...

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><p><em>I hadn't been entirely sure why I had decided to go for a walk that day, but all I knew was that I wanted to get some fresh air for a change, instead of the boring cubical that I work in daily. I suppose that would be a good enough reason alone. Or perhaps it was my brother's stupid potato bastard of a friend staying over for dinner that I needed to escape from.<em>

_Well, either way, I had arrived at the small park by my house with no idea of what to do there. All around me I heard children laughing and playing games with smiles on their faces, as well as couples walking and talking about random mushy-gushy shit like all couples do. The sky was clear, like it was all the time here in Madrid._

_As I continued walking, I noticed that a small crowd of people were gathered around the other side of the fountain I was approaching. It was most likely a street performer or maybe a very heated arguement or something, but I was still curious. I walked around the backside of the crowd and looked forward from the very back of the crowd. There was definitely music now, a sweet and cheerful melody flowing from a guitar that was being played with expert skill. I tried to get a better look at who was performing, and when the person in front of me finally moved, I got that better look I had been hoping for._

_...That was the first time I saw him._

_Him, one of the sexiest people I've ever seen. His skin was like warm caramel. Strong muscles could clearly be seen through his shirt, yet his nimble fingers were moving gracefully across the guitar strings with gentleness as if he were caressing a lover. His eyes, those sparkling emeralds, held the same, heartwarming smile that he wore so proudly on his own lips. _

_I was never one to believe in love at first sight. It was a dumb and stupid concept. But the way he looked at me as he played, the way his eyes seemed to burn holes through me, it all just made my heart fly up to the highest clouds and never want to come back down to Earth._

_'T-that doesn't mean anything though! Like hell do I, Lovino Vargas, fall in love at first sight. That's for desperate losers and shit like that! No way in hell am I in love with a guy I've never even said a single word to!' __I stood there, silently yelling at myself, until the song ended and everyone started leaving. I realized how late it had gotten and immidiately started heading back to my house as well. Before I knew it though, I heard a voice calling out to me._

__"__Señor! __Wait up! Please!"__

__It was probably just an annoying survey taker or something like that, but I turned around anyways. "What do you want?" I fired back at him, quickly regretting what I just said when I realized it was the guitar player from earlier. His face was flushed from running, but he still looked pretty fucking ho__

__The guitar player stood there awkwardly for a bit before his smile from before returned. "I-I um...I'm Antonio! It's nice to meet you!"__

__Wait, did this guy seriously just run over to me to introduce himself? What an idiot. "Uh...okay? Do you want a fucking medal or something?" Seriously, what kind of person does that? Either this guy was dumb, or he was a totaly weirdo pervert in diguise. Damn, if he kept me here any longer, it was going to be really late by the time I got home. "If you haven't anything important to say, then I'll be leaving now." ____I was about to start walking again when I felt his hand around my wrist. The action made me turn back to him, a heavy frown on my face.__

__"I noticed you while I was playing my guitar back there. You weren't smiling like everyone else!" Okay, this Antonio guy was really weird. He ran after me, stopped me, introduced himself, and now he was complaining about me not smilng while he was plyaing the guitar? He quickly followed up the former statement with, "I wanna see you smile now!"__

__My smile? The man wanted to see..my smile? I felt my cheeks heat up slightly and I shook my head. "___W-what? Che palle, you're really getting on my nerves! Fuck off! Let me go!" I began to struggle in his grasp, but he didn't let go so easily._

_"Nope! Not until I make you smile!"_

_"I'm not smiling for some creepy random guy like you!"_

_"Please?" The pleading look in his eyes made me squirm even more. Though, I couldn't do anything due to his iron grip."What if I played your favorite song? Would you smile then?"_

_"Damn, you're persistant! I'm leaving!"_

_The hand on my wrist relaxed and I heard a soft sigh from Antonio. "W-wait! Before you leave..." The tone he used then, I don't know how, but I felt myself relax as well. It was as if he were speaking to me like he knew me for years. "Can...can I get your name?"_

_"What?" He wanted to know my name? Why? I doubt I'll forgot how weird this Antonio person is..._

_He smiled down at me (w-what? He was taller than me!). "Your name. What is it? I want to be able to say 'hello' to your properly the next time I see you here!"_

_So...he really expected me to come back here? And he planned on saying 'hello' to me, too? I felt that familar heat rise up to my face and I turned away, not wanting him to see me blush. "What the hell makes you think I'm gonna come back here? This could be the last time I see you for all you know, bastard." _

_"Si, I know. But that's all the more reason to get your name. You never know who's going to end up meaning something to you."_

_'You never know who's going to end up meaning something to you'. Those words rang in my head like bells, echoed like yelling in a cave. Something, I'm not entirely sure what at this point, but something there told me that I shouldn't just brush off those words. Something told me I should hold onto them with a tight grasp and keep them close to my heart. Something also told me that I should, no...I _needed _to tell this guy my name._

_"Lovino."_ _I mumbled quietly._

_"Huh? What'd you say?"_

_I gritted my teeth. "Lovino! My name is Lovino, okay? Now leave me alone!" And with that, I tore my hand from his and ran away, a skill I've always been good at. Always running, always hiding._

_That man...Antonio..._

_Clearly, this wasn't the last time I was going to talk to Antonio. This is only the beginning..._

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><p>Second chapter done! I'm sorry if nothing was cleared up here, but I promise everything will come together in due time.<p>

Please R&R if you liked it!


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